Ordering coffee in France

Last year I posted this article by my friend, Antony Mair, about ordering coffee in France -- because yesterday, before my lecture at the University, I had 30 minutes spare and quickly popped into a little café and ordered un grand crême, and suddenly stood there wondering whether it was 'the done thing' at 9 am in the morning. Well -- first of all I was amazed at myself for even wondering such a thing, let alone caring about such a thing -- I wanted un grand crême because I felt like un grand crême -- but I nevertheless thought I would quickly go see what Antony had written about the subject -- and share it with you again.
One never knows when you are on holiday in France, or want to SO NOT look like a tourist, and you have learned and polished your French to sound exactly like a local, and then, when you order coffee you make this huge faux pas in the eyes of the French by ordering the wrong kind of coffee at the wrong kind of occasion at the wrong time of day -- better safe than red faced and exiled for all time from your local list of coolest people!

There's your café terrace in the sun, just inviting you to sit down. But how do you order the coffee you want?
Now that every English high street sports a coffee bar or two, we're used to ordering a latte or a "Large Capp". Starbucks has not, thank goodness! exactly made inroads into rural France. If you order a skinny latte in the Dordogne you'll get more than a bewildered look. Here is Antony Mair's guide to the local terminology:

Un café means a small black coffee – often described as "un petit café" or "un express".
As that suggests, it's the equivalent of an expresso, although not with the kick you'll get from its Italian cousins.
If you want something stronger, you should ask for "un serré", which is the equivalent of the Italian "ristretto" – a small black coffee of double strength.
"Un grand café" or "un double express" means a large black coffee, or a double expresso.
"Un crême" or even "un petit crême" means a small white coffee, that will come in an expresso-sized cup.

Conversely, "un grand crême" means a large white coffee. Both "un crême" and "un grand crême" are used in preference to "un café au lait". However, if you are staying in a hotel, where coffee is served in a jug at your breakfast table, it is correct to ask for "café au lait chaud".

"Un café noisette" means a black coffee with just a drop of milk in it – the equivalent of the Italian "macchiato" or the Portuguese "pingado".

"Un cappuccino" will not necessarily deliver the frothy concoction you're used to. It may produce a black coffee with a large dollop of whipped cream in. This is, technically, a "café viennois".

If you want your froth, you should specify "un cappuccino avec de la mousse au lait". It's not yet so popular as in the UK.

"Un café américain" means a very weak black coffee. It is despised by the local French.

If you want to follow French convention, you should not drink white coffee after eleven in the morning – and particularly not after mealtimes.

A small black coffee is drunk after lunch. The French consider that white coffee after a meal is particularly bad for your digestion, and you may get a scandalised look from waiters.

After dinner, many French will not touch coffee, to the point where it may not even be offered to you if you are dining out.

If you want a cinnamon-flavoured skinny latte with a double shot - sorry, you'll have to wait until you get back to Starbucks in the UK!

P.S. In case you still wonder, 9am in the morning was a perfectly acceptable hour to order un grand crême -- it is only after 10am that 'it is not done', I breathe again!

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